Let’s be honest: your soul in its natural state is subject to self-doubt, guilt and shame, unruly passions, murderous and perverse thoughts, obsessions, compulsions, and despair. Of course, many people live their lives distracted by daily trivial business and never consider the eternal fate of their souls, or anyone else’s. But not you. You know that without help, you have no future on your own.
Welcome to ChristOS, the new operating system for human beings. With the ChristOS Anesti upgrade, you will be ready to function happily in any circumstance, even the worst possible, secure in hope in the Risen Lord.
Setting up ChristOS is easy, and of course, it is totally free, with no strings attached. All financing is by voluntary giving–a bit like Wikipedia, but without the bias.
First, whether your soul is factory-fresh or a “used” model, you must format it and then install the “kernel,” which we call the kerygma: Get the Baptism package. This step is absolutely essential for refurbishment; there is no workaround. All human souls, bar one historical exception, sadly arrive with a defect that this package permanently fixes (original sin).
Second, perform the first, and thereafter regular, vital updates: Confession and Holy Communion. The former removes all lethal malware (mortal sin) from the soul, enabling continuing communication with the Source. The latter ensures regular sync-ing with the Source. For full functionality of ChristOS, reception of Holy Communion every Sunday is essential, though more often is even better. Not only is this practice the Source, but it is also the summit of ChristOS living!
Third, after a suitable initiation period, which may vary depending on your locale, it is time to finalize the installation: Confirmation. This matures the system with the addition of seven particular powers (the gifts of the Holy Spirit) which will ensure a reliable operating life. A senior ChristOS operator, commonly known as a bishop, is usually required for this, limiting installation slots. Bring family and friends to celebrate this important occasion.
Fourth, (optional) depending on your future working environment, you may need to install the Holy Orders or Matrimony packages, which give extra functionality for different lifestyle callings. The first is directed towards becoming a ChristOS operator. This is a most important role within the ChristOS ecosystem as other users require support. The second is more about increasing the number of users with the ChristOS Anesti upgrade. This is also important, as ChristOS is designed to provide support to human beings, quite literally, until Kingdom Come.
Fifth, (recommended), install Extreme Unction, known in the latest version as Anointing of the Sick, when pain, suffering, and/or death threaten to interfere with synchronizing with the source. Pain is unavoidable in this life. At best it can only be reduced a bit by analgesics. One benefit of this patch is that possible interference in synchronicity is instead embraced, leading to a closer connection to the Source, This package can be safely reinstalled as needed if cloud migration is delayed. This package is provided also for those souls who may have been a bit slipshod in soul maintenance over their lifespan, but who realize at the last minute their mistake.
You will know that your installation is working optimally when the Source code (Scripture) becomes easier to read and makes more sense, while your understanding of the human condition, its meaning, and its purpose are clearer. Networking with other local ChristOS users also simplifies the process and optimizes the system.
Cloud-based Help is always available and is highly recommended if the manual (Catechism of the Catholic Church), your local installer or operator (priest), or local user community (parish) are not of help. It is also possible to obtain the help of other ChristOS users across all time and space by using the intercessory prayer function. This is a popular feature, especially for power users (saints), and is provided courtesy of the diachronicity of grace technology embedded in ChristOS.
Chairman and CEO Papa Francesco warmly invites everyone to avail themselves of a fully optimized ChristOS. He calls this Joy. Your whole life will be transformed by these means! He and his team throughout time and space (Magisterium) wish for this wonderful gift to humankind to reach as many people as possible. Malware, bugs, and bad installations are sadly too common, but the Chairman and CEO points to the ChristOS Head as the only permanent fix.
Thank you for choosing ChristOS, and for helping ChristOS to become all, within all.
Χριστός – it just works!
Dr. John Morrissey is a semi-retired NHS specialist in anaesthesia and critical care medicine. He is a Catholic husband and father of four. Born to Irish parents, he was raised in the UK. He is an Oxford scholar and an ex-culture warrior. In the past, his writing has been published in the Catholic Herald and he has been a contributor to group blogs.